July 04, 2021 IVF Got This – Round 2……
So this blog was started a few times, then deleted, then edited….and I did not really know how to write it. There is this weird bubble that you live in between cycles. You know there is so much good ahead and excitement in the next round, but the brain is not ready to process it so you live in a little fuzzy hazy world for a bit. No matter how much you prepare the body, the brain, you feel like you do everything right, you know the statistics of success – and still that first failure is just devastating. It is the hardest sucker punch to the heart and soul, you can rationalise with yourself, tell yourself we are one of the lucky ones with 5 more embryos frozen….but it still just sucks. Despite the devastation I never felt resentment or dislike towards any woman/family I knew who had been successful or was already expecting….I instead felt longing and the loss.
After about a week to recover, a lot of tea (with the occasional wine at night) I was able to let go…move on…and simply be me. I think once the excess hormones worked their way out of my body it was when I really felt the most like my old self. After our failed IVF, I decided that my body and my mind, and our calendars needed a break from the rigorous doctors appointments, injection schedules, acupuncture appointments, and constant stress on my body. We took some time off to just be together and to live. It’s been about 2 months since our bad news and I have to say I feel like my soul has had a refresh. Since Blake and I decided to do another IVF cycle, we wanted to fully let go and give my body a break before we started again.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about what i could have done better to get better results. I was thinking back about my realistic approach to the process and always balancing the fact that this was never a 100% solution to my fertility problem. While everyone deals with these struggles in their own way, I realized that maybe I didn’t let go 100%. Maybe I wasn’t as positive as I could have been. The trauma my body was under, I wonder if that could have been the reason for our bad results? I consider myself a very positive person. If you ask my friends, they will back that up. But this process was much harder on me than I ever could have imagined.
Having the opportunity to go through IVF again, I feel a shift inside. Because this WILL HAPPEN for us. I know deep down I will be be able to grow our family one way or another. And something has shifted inside me. We can never give up. We are strong. Much stronger than we can ever imagine. The strength you pull from to get you through these hard times is truly a miracle. After my time off to clear my head, I am feeling so focused, and feeling so much love. I have hit the ground running with a positive spirit and I know that we are going to make it through again. I actually started to read this book and found it’s words to be so helpful preparing for my next cycle. The powerful message of turning fear into faith(whatever that means to you) is something I am working on. Love over Fear. It has been a good read so far …. I highly recommend it.
I am an open book and I hope that my experience can help others open up about their struggles with infertility. Know that you are not alone. We are all here going through this together. I have found it so helpful to speak up and not feel so alone in it all. I have several friends going through IVF right now and I feel like we all hold each other up when we most need it. Whatever you are dealing with, no matter how big or small, NEVER GIVE UP.
ROUND 2 – Is this even happening?
This round has been so incredibly different to the first round – I honestly have to remind myself that we are in fact in the middle of a fertility cycle! The time off gave my heart, head and body a break which I believe has made this round of medication much more simple. Also – it is one tablet not 3 injections 2x a day. To go from THAT MUCH medication to one tablet – my brain is yelling “how is this going to possibly work” while my body is saying “yes, I got this – we’ve got this”. Man what a hard battle the heart and the head have.
Some of you have followed along via my Instagram Story – so you know that this round I just have an Estradiol tablet and Asprin…3x/day. The side effects are minimal and the ones I do have pale in comparison to round 1. The fatigue and bloating are managed with sleep, gentle exercises when needed, lots of healthy tea from Tea Tonic and good food. There have been no blood tests, no extra phone calls or sleepless nights, no pain……wooohooo. I feel like life has returned to a sense of normal which is nice. Josh’s work schedule has been totally all over the place leaving him away more than he has been home for the past month. As work has increased for me (which I am very grateful for) I have been able to focus the extra time on my mental well-being. The pup’s have been getting out for a few more walks – they are VERY pleased with this.
Thursday we visit with the OBYN (our infertility specialist) for another scan and to find out when we can complete another transfer. This is our FIRST frozen cycle transfer. It feels weird to say it, let alone write it. There are moments throughout this whole journey that I sit back and wish I had known this would be my journey a few years ago. I wish I had known in my 20’s this would be my struggle, would I have done things differently? Would I have still prioritised my education and my career? Would we have chosen to start a family earlier rather than waiting for marriage and our first home? Then I snap back to the present and realized this rabbit-hole goes no where…..so buckle up girl and take the next rollercoaster bump with both hands in the air!
I don’t know what they are checking for in the scan, I do not know what the steps after that look like – but I will endeavour to keep you all updated as we go.
Anne & Josh